Now, you may be saying, "Alk, nobody needs to know the keys to being a noob," or, "TL:DR"
and that may seem reasonable for you to say. Don't.
Read this, and it will be worth your time after you're done.
Only, by its true definition, one does not easily gain the title of 'noob.' You must earn it! Noobery is not exclusive to new players; All that's required to be a noob is to play like a noob and to follow the Ways of the Nooba, not to have been playing for a certain amount of time. Take, for instance, a person with less than 50 gameplay hours with dozens of moebots. They are not a noob. Nay, they're cashcows for C$. And take for instance an individual with 1000+ gameplay hours, but have 0.0br. I say to you, that is not a noob either, that is a bad player, and there is a clear difference as you shall learn: A bad player may be your friend, cousin, lover, and/or pet. A noob though... They are a different breed. They have striven to be the worst. They have devoted themselves to the Ways of the Nooba. They have made their practice, I would say, into a science as well as an art form.
The Keys of Noobery are beliefs that you must hold dearly in your heart, and never let go of. I know you're probably thinking, "that's all well and good, you still haven't told me what the keys are." Well my friend, the time has come for the revelation. I will tell you what it takes, but beware! If you do not carry wisdom in your mind, and if you read without care, some of these beliefs may rub off on you. Nevertheless, if you wish to know the requirements, I shall share them with you:
Key #1: You are not responsible until you are triumphant. Your so-called allies are vile and do not respect the Ways of the Noob. They will do all that they can to make you taste bitter defeat. Nevertheless, some of them may still one day see the light. It is your duty as a noob to inform them of their failings so that they may realize their foolish ways.
Key #2: You cannot be responsible over 44% of the time. Those who are victorious more than 44% of the time are the recipients of great fortune; They have been blessed by the Keepers of the Ways of the Noob. You must deride those individuals for as long as it takes, because the Keepers only have so much space in their hearts, and they will hear your words after long enough, and they will see the flaws in the individuals they bless, and they will forsake them. They will seek a new one to bless, and they will bless you.
Key #3: You may not spell over 5 words in a row correctly. Correct grammar, spelling and punctuation is a sign that you have been focusing on things other than the Ways of the Noob. Cast them away, for they are not worth the time to learn.
Key #4: You are right, even if proven wrong. Things like proof and evidence are tricks used by fools to make you seem stupid. What matters is the truth, and the truth resides in your gut. If your gut tells you something, there is no reason not to believe it.
Key #5: The weekends are a time when the vilest of scum will come out of their hiding. They will linger and fester on your team, and your team only. In this, the Keepers have given you a burden to bare, and the more you cry out about it, the more the burden will be lightened.
Key #6: Having one or two companions is undesirable, unless they are far weaker or stronger than you. For what is nobler than being triumphant when the odds are stacked against you? None, my friend, is nobler.
Key #7: Sometimes ending the life of an ally is necessary. Most of the time, a reason is not needed. Let the Keepers guide your hand; They will find a truly unworthy soul for you to unleash your fury upon.
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These are the teachings of the Ways of the Noob. Through them, and through your undying devotion to them, you may reach Noob Enlightenment. What that entails, I am afraid I will have to save for another thread. Nevertheless, I hope this has brought you closer to understanding the minds and the hearts of noobs. Indeed, they are not the simpletons you may have once thought they were.
And now I must leave. Weeks ago, the Keepers realized my intention to publish the Keys to Noobery, and sent search parties of noobs to track me down and eliminate me. I must keep moving from place to place lest they find me and do... Some of the atrocious things I have seen them do to others. My life is not one of ease, but I believe I can use my knowledge to make the world a better place. Thank you for your time.
