Jokes!

Wondered why we don't have a thread to share jokes and the such

despite [Entertainment]
Videos, Jokes, Pictures!! Anything funny here!

I'll start,post whatever you think is funny. (text only)

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Facebook is like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good in it.

Dear Maths, All my life you made me find your X !!! Listen buddy...She's not coming back....So please move on!!! Regards, Frustrated Student

What happens in an exam : Tik tok , Mind block , Pen stop , Eye pop , Full shock , Jaw drop , Time up , No Luck

Facebook is like Jail, you sit around and waste time, You write on walls and you get poked by people you dont know

Definition Of Human Being :- A creature who cuts trees makes paper and writes 'Save Trees' on the same paper...

Li'l Larry

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Larry, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Larry looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!”

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you're stupid, Larry?”

“No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

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Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

“Why do you do that, mommy?”he asked. “To make myself beautiful,”said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What's the matter”, asked Larry “Giving up?”

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The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, “Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Larry quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”

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Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes”said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”

Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”

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*edit,added more

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
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Argon walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here!"
Argon doesn't react.
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Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving and get pulled over.
The cop asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says. "No, but I can tell you exactly where I was."
The cop thinks this answer is warrant for a search, and finds a dead cat in the trunk.
He asks, "Do you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?"
Schroedinger says, "Pft, well I do now."
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Two scientists walk into a bar... the first one says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O, too." And then he dies.
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E-flat walks into a bar, The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors."
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A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"
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A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The Screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Murray?"
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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
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Jesus and Moses are fishing from a rowboat. As they were fishing, they began to reminisce the miracles they performed in their prime. Just to see if they could still had the knack, they each decided to do one of their miracles.

So, Moses stood up and extended his arms. Sure enough, the waters of the lake parted and the rowboat settled gently to the bottom. He then lowered his arms and the waters closed back in. In a few moments, the lake had returned to normal with the rowboat floating on top.

"Pretty good, Mo," Jesus said approvingly. "Now I'll give it a try," he said as he climbed out of the boat. He took a couple steps and then began to sink quickly. Just in time, Moses reached out and pulled Jesus into the boat.

"Jesus Christ!" Moses exclaimed. "What do you suppose happened to you?"

"Aw, Mo, I should have known better than to try that one," Jesus replied. "The last time I did that I didn't have these blasted holes in my feet."

I met an old guy (probably 60 years old) at the mall and had a dinner at the food court on a same table. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in different colors - green, yellow, blue and purple. That old man kept staring her.
The girl kept looking and would find that old man staring at her every time. When the girl had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied: "Got stoned and laid with a parrot once before. Just wondering if you were my daughter"